4 Ways To Build Your Self Esteem

Build your self esteem with these 4 essential steps.

Self-help books, positive videos, and motivational memes are all over the place. Nevertheless, the pernicious thoughts of low self esteem and self criticism still plague most people.

What can you do build your own self esteem? Here are four meaningful ways that can impact your self esteem and silence your inner critic.

1) Think what you gain from being hard on yourself

Before you build your self esteem and fight self criticism, think about this: Part of your self critical thoughts are helpful to you. Self-defeating perspectives and feelings of worthlessness are painful, damaging, detrimental…and beneficial. That might be why your mind keeps them around. Your brain won’t let those ideas disappear. It thinks that there is too much to lose! Until you contemplate what you gain from self-effacing thoughts, they will linger and grow, despite efforts that you make to dissolve them.

The self critical beliefs that you are unable to achieve your goals or that you are “not good enough” have a silver lining. They can prod you to do more, maximize your time and energy, or be more productive. As you make efforts to escape those negative thoughts, they simultaneously work in your favor! When you barrage yourself with thoughts of worthlessness, you are also motivated to prove your value to yourself and the world. This push might help you rise up the corporate ladder, garner societal prestige, or increase your income. Your mind notices that your adverse thoughts also have a very positive side. Since they have such benefits, it is highly unlikely that your brain will let go of those negative cognitions.

How can you solve that? Think about what you gain by thinking negatively about yourself. Does it help you work more, feel more secure, or maximize your time? When you realize that your mind is drawn to self critical thoughts because of the redemptive value they have, it is the first step to letting them evaporate.

2) Allow yourself to be an adult

We grow up with our behavior being evaluated by our parents. They observe our actions and attitudes and try to teach us what to do. Eventually, parental discipline and guidance is something we incorporate into our own minds. We learn to differentiate right from wrong, obey laws, and maintain order in our lives. Often, when we internalize our parents’ voices, we can still hear our parents as disciplining us and being critical of us.

Since the critical thoughts we have originated from our parents, they can be very hard to get rid of. Ironically, those thoughts help us feel connected to them.

How can we overcome that? We need to allow ourselves to emotionally and psychologically mature. As adults, we usually have an internal compass that does a pretty good job navigating us out of trouble. We can free ourselves to feel linked to the positive parts of our parents without needing to preserve their criticism. We can think of our parents in many ways – hopefully positively. We don’t need to foster their critical voice in order to allow us to associate with them.

3) Practice self care

The ספר החינוך famously remarks that אדם נפעל כפי פעולותיו and אחרי הפעולות נמשכים הלבבות – a person’s behavior is molded by his actions. He explains that we can behave our way into feeling the way we want to feel. Emotions follow actions. (Several schools of psychology are based on similar assumptions.)

This can be very helpful to us in improving our self esteem and softening our inner critic. We can take care of ourselves more than we have been. That internalizes the message that we have intrinsic worth and value. The more we do that, the more we can begin to believe it.

What does self care look like? It can include actions like eating healthier, exercising more, and making time for socializing. Even though we might feel that there is no way we can organize our schedule to include self care, the payoff is immeasurable. We will feel better about ourselves and our relationships. Interestingly, that will make us more productive, too.

4) Find someone who believes in you

Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski can be credited for making the Jewish community more aware of how prevalent low self esteem is. He penned over eighty books, most of them on mental health. He often comments with a twinkle in his eye that he really only wrote one book, just in eighty different ways. That book is about low self esteem.

In Dr. Twerski’s multitude of publications, he discusses low self esteem at length and suggests that it is the cause of many mental disorders. Yet, he talks little of how to raise self esteem. Several months ago, I asked Dr. Twerski what the cure for low self esteem is. How can a therapist help his clients solve this pervasive issue? He answered with a smile that the best way to do it is for the therapist to believe that his client has value. That sincere belief can raise someone’s self esteem. He emphasized, “you have to really believe it.” He was succinctly, sagaciously summarizing the beauty and elegance of an authentic and deep psychotherapeutic relationship.

A relationship of truth and acceptance with a therapist who is sincere and genuine and senses your intrinsic value can be a gorgeous gift. It is a manifestation of the words of Pirkei Avos, קנה לך חבר, purchase a friend for yourself. Psychotherapy with an earnest, sterling therapist, can do wonders for your sense of self.


Our self esteem can be viewed like a mountain that we are constantly climbing. We can reach new heights, but there is still more to grow. Consequently, these four steps can be worked on and revisited as you ascend the rungs on that ladder. Use them to help yourself grow and increase your self esteem regularly.

Marcheshvan Has Left. Where Did It Leave You?

What sweetness can you extract from a month with an unsavory reputation?

Would Marcheshvan by any other name be just as bitter?

Marcheshvan is the Hebrew month that has just concluded. It is popularly seen as the doldrums of the Jewish year. Marcheshvan immediately follows the holiday-packed month of Tishrei, but does not have a singular celebratory day. The name of the month is a slight modification of “Marach Sheman” which means “the eighth month” (see here.) Yet, some see the month as possessing a prefix “Mar” – which can mean bitter, to connote the month’s existence as the epitome of ordinary. The feeling of plainness sometimes pervades the atmosphere of the month. The shofar or Rosh Hashana has long been silenced, the intensity and joy of Yom Kippur seem like a distant memory, and the Sukkah is stored away.

It is common for people to look forward to the next month, Kislev, as a beacon in the perceived gloominess of fall and winter. Chanukah begins in the end of Kislev, so Kislev itself is the harbinger of the Festival of Lights, providing respite from the lethargy of Marcheshvan.

However, you might appreciate an important and essential uniqueness that Marcheshvan has. The holidays of Tishrei are celebratory and exciting, but they also serve another purpose. They distract us from ourselves. When we are focusing on a goal of repentance before Yom Kippur or constructing a Sukkah before Sukkos, we can focus less on the simplicity of our own existence. Holidays serve as diversion from thinking about who we are and our own sense of self. When they end, we need to face ourselves and the complexities of our own personality strengths and weaknesses, our self-esteem or lack of it, and our perhaps underdeveloped self-understanding. The day to day cycle of Marcheshvan and its possible monotony can prompt us to focus on who we are.

Yet, it is sometimes difficult and distressing to turn inward and think about ourselves. It is much easier to be distracted. The bitterness of Marcheshvan is not only because of lack of holidays, but because of the discomfort that sometimes comes from within.

Consequently, the light at the end of the tunnel of Marcheshvan is not only Chanukah, with its happiness and festivity at the very end of the month. A brighter light might come from looking within and examining and exploring our own struggles and strengths, foibles and fortitude, and vulnerability and valiance. There is pleasure not only in lighting – as in Chanukah candles, but from being enlightened – with self-understanding.

Society has allowed us access to many distractions that can fool ourselves into being at peace with not looking inward. These can be very palliative in Marcheshvan-type parts of the year; when we feel uncertain, unsettled, or in pain. Perhaps those situations are better addressed by exploring and trying to understand ourselves rather than diverting our attention.

Kislev is thought of as paving the way toward the glorious days of the Chanukah miracles. Yet, the three and a half ordinary weeks before Chanukah can also stimulate us to spend time with, discover, and try to understand ourselves. There is a sweet opportunity on the heels of a month with a bitter reputation. Greater self-awareness and self-understanding might shed light on our lives, in Marcheshvan-type days, Chanukah-type holidays, and through all the days of the year.

You Are Your Harshest Critic (You Don’t Have To Be)

You can control how you interpret setbacks.

A farmer in a small village was lucky enough to have a horse. His fellow villagers considered him wealthy and prominent because he possessed that luxury. He didn’t need to exert himself as much as they did. The horse carried burdens, transported the farmer, and plowed with him. The villagers used to comment, “you are so lucky that you have a horse.” The farmer always responded in the same way, “maybe.”

One day the horse ran away. The villagers passed by the farmer and tried to console him on his tragedy. “What misfortune!” they said. Curiously, the farmer responded in a similar way, “maybe.”

Several days later, the runaway horse returned. He brought several wild horses with him. The villagers were astonished at their neighbor’s fortune. “Wow!,” they exclaimed. “You are now so wealthy. You must be so happy at your good luck!” The farmer’s response was surprisingly the same. “Maybe,” he replied.

A few days later, the farmer’s son was taming one of the wild horses. He was thrown off and he broke his leg. The villagers were now dumbstruck. They felt so bad for the farmer. They congregated around the boy’s bed and told his father how terrible it was. “Maybe,” he answered.

Soon, soldiers came to the town to gather boys for their war effort. The boys of the town were taken away, except for the farmer’s son. The villagers all told the farmer how lucky he was that his son broke his leg. In consonance, the farmer responded, “maybe.”

Is one approach more meaningful to you than the other? The villagers gave interpretations of misfortune and blessing to the farmer’s vicissitudes. The farmer reserved his judgement. Perhaps both sides have their benefits. On the one hand, the villagers were able to appreciate the thrill of victory, but they also saw the agony of defeat. On the other hand, the farmer’s even keeled approach did not focus on the excitement of the highs, or the disappointments of the lows.

It might be most helpful not to see this tale as championing either specific side, but as highlighting a truism. Life’s events are not monochromatic. Few of your experiences and events are completely positive or negative. The meaning you give to your experiences can be more potent than those situations themselves.

Hamlet was onto something when he declared, “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so” (II, 2). Some things are objectively worse than others. But the “thinking” is the most significant part that “makes it so.” The meaning that you give your circumstances can allow you to either surf storm waves or just barely tread water.

You might even take your search for meaning a step further. Did you notice that you interpret many of your unfortunate life experiences with self-criticism? Life throws you challenges, difficulties, and setbacks. The most painful thing about those hurdles is that you take them personally and interpret them as teaching you something negative about yourself. Here are some examples of responses that you might have had to some recent disappointments:

“I am such a pushover.”

“No one else would have made that mistake. They know what to do.”

“I am not so likable.”

“I am incompetent.”

“This is so typical of my life.”

“I am not capable.”

“How could I let that happen to me.”

“Why did I make that choice? I am so silly!”

“Here I go again.”

“This always happens to me.”

“It’s a cruel world.”

“The world is so unfair.”

“I always get stuck in these situations.”

“Sigh. I don’t know how to manage this altogether.”

“I am such a loser!.”

If you use those responses, you are choosing to take a self-critical message from an already disappointing event. The self-defeating lesson that you take about yourself doesn’t follow automatically. It is a response you are selecting to make.

You don’t have to do that. One of life’s greatest growth spurts comes when you allow yourself to see negative events as happening around you, even if you were partially involved in the outcome. Mistakes, bad decisions, and getting stuck in traffic are all components of existence. They are part of your being human. When negative things occur, even if you are partially responsible for them, you can choose how to react. You can allow yourself to see them as part of the great canvas of life, or choose to hear a message that teaches you something negative about yourself. The meaning you give them as demonstrating that you are defeated, incompetent, or silly comes from your interpretation. It is your choice. You can also choose to see it as part of life’s ups and downs, and an element of being human.

Sometimes you can follow the farmer’s example and take a step back when adversity hits. Are you so sure it is a downturn? Even if you think it is, do you need to hear resounding self-criticism from that situation?

You are not be able to control every outcome. When something that seems negative happens, you can opt to listen to the self-criticism it breeds. You can also choose not to. Perhaps even our farmer would agree. Maybe.

Will Your Therapist’s Office Disappear Soon?

What is text therapy? How does it compare to traditional psychotherapy?

Harvey is a successful executive with a loving wife and two adorable kids. He is a model dad and husband, prosperous in business, makes time to enjoy recreation and is active in community causes. In many ways, he personifies the American dream.

When Harvey reached his fortieth birthday, he did some introspection in the stillness of his own mind. He noticed that his relationship with his wife was cordial, but lukewarm. They did not connect emotionally and were missing excitement and passion. Harvey also observed that he was an adequate father, but he felt distant from his children. He began to question who he was and if he was a successful in the different arenas of his life.

Then Harvey began to feel frustrated, unappreciated, and sometimes downright miserable. He started to have mood swings throughout the week. On a good day, he experienced a surge of energy and he was able to overcome life’s hurdles. But on most days, Harvey trudged through the hours, from bed to work, from work to home, from home to dinner, from dinner to some “down time,” and then to bed. Then the cycle started again. He felt like he was going through the motions, but not really “living.” His moods spiraled downward until it was sometimes hard to get up. The lower moods also impacted his relationships. His tepid connection with his wife declined. He felt more insecure about his parenting. He started muddling through his prominent job. Harvey also started losing patience with himself, his wife and his kids.

Several months ago, Harvey made a change. Now, he feels more positive and confident than ever. Harvey’s mood is generally up, he has a closer relationship with his wife, and he feels engaged in parenting his kids.

What is Harvey’s secret?

Harvey started working with a seasoned, master therapist. He shares what is on his mind with her, and she responds with empathy, support, and insight. She is there for him and they explore his thoughts, feelings, and ideas together. Since Harvey started working with his therapist, he noticed that his mood and interpersonal relationships greatly improved. He also started being more successful financially.

Situations similar to Harvey’s repeat themselves in many therapist’s offices. But Harvey’s growth did not take place in an office. He never even met his therapist. Their entire relationship took form through Harvey’s computer. Harvey is one of a growing number of people that use text based therapy to improve their lives.

What is text therapy?

When most people hear about text based therapy, the first question they ask is, “really, just through texting?” Yes…and no. Text based therapy, also called text therapy, is a bit of a misnomer. The word text does not refer to typical text messages. “Text” in this context means written, as opposed to verbal. The therapist and her client communicate through messages instead of talking to each other. Messages can be long or short. Therapists and clients build deep, meaningful relationships through their written communication.

Text therapy is the wave of the future in psychotherapy. It is more affordable and convenient than office therapy. Text therapy has begun to revolutionize mental health. According to reports, the three major sites that offer text based therapy, BetterHelp.com, Lisning.com, and Talkspace.com, have totaled well over a million subscribers. That’s a significant vote of confidence for text therapy.

Is text based therapy going to make brick and mortar offices obsolete? Text therapy has both advantages and disadvantages.

Advantages of text therapy

1) Price of text therapy

Psychotherapy with a licensed, veteran therapist can run $300.00 a session in metropolitan areas. Since most therapy consists of more than one meeting, the number of sessions that you meet multiplies that cost. Many therapists are “out of network,” which means that insurance companies do not cover therapy or only reimburse a small amount for each session.

Psychotherapists invest a tremendous amount of time, effort and energy in their education, developing their expertise, and working with their clients. The money paid for sessions is often well spent. At the same time, that steep price can hold people back from therapy.

In contrast, text therapy is economical. Therapy on those three sites ranges from less than $30.00 to $80.00 a week, depending on the site and the subscription. If you sign up for text based therapy, what can you expect for that price? Text therapy sites usually use asynchronous messaging. That means that you and your therapist do not connect at the same time. You write to your therapist when you want to and your therapist replies within a reasonable period. You can message your therapist as often as you would like to, for as long or as short as you desire. Send a quick text when an idea or thought strikes you. Compose an entire page when you are in the mood. Your therapist responds to you frequently. Exactly how often your therapist writes back usually depends on your subscription level. For example, with Lisning’s basic subscription, your therapist writes a significant message back to you at least every other day.

2) Frequent connection with a therapist

The standard psychotherapy session lasts 45 minutes, once a week. There are times that you meet more often, and sometimes less. It always involves a time commitment. You also need to compute the time it takes to get there and back. If you are meeting your therapist week after week, it takes a lot of time. If you are working, you need to find someone right near your job, or open at night or on weekends.

Text based therapy uses a different model. Your therapist responds to your messages frequently, on a reliable schedule. It can fit your lifestyle, no matter how busy it is. You can write on your own time, read on your own time, and think on your own time.

There is another significant advantage to text therapy’s frequent communication. Clients report that corresponding with their therapists several times a week (or more) helps the therapeutic relationship develop quickly. The messages are consistent and dependable. They work to help create a deep, caring, connecting relationship, often in a shorter amount of time than therapy in person.

3) Anonymity in text therapy

The world has made major strides in appreciating therapy and mental health. Society has been educated not to look down on people that go for therapy or to see mental illness as any different than physical illness. “Depression is like the flu,” we are often told. Yet, seeking psychotherapy still has a stigma associated with it. The level of shame and indignity can vary in different cultures and communities, but can be found almost anywhere. The self-consciousness associated with going for therapy can make many people refrain from addressing their mental health.

In addition, many people find it hard to reach for help for anything. Some quip that the biggest advantage of Waze is not that you can find out how to go, but that you can do it without asking for directions! Asking for assistance with mental health is even harder. It takes a lot of strength and courage to reach out to someone to help deal with a problem, issue, or disorder.

When you use text therapy, your therapist does not need to know anything about you. You can send messages with complete anonymity. As the therapy progresses, you might want to tell your therapist more about yourself, including your name. You are welcome to, but you do not have to. Anonymity is unusual for in person therapy, but it is the way text therapy works.

Dr. Irvin Yalom, the renowned professor emeritus of psychiatry at Stanford University, became an outspoken advocate for text therapy in the past several years. One of the things he likes most about text therapy is the anonymity it provides. He noticed that it can allow a client to feel more comfortable sharing deeply with his therapist. Yalom explains that he supervised a therapist who was using text therapy, and he was astonished at how her clients revealed personal information more easily than they did in office therapy. In an interview conducted by Talkspace, he reports:

What has astounded me is – several times I’ve heard her say – the patients have said that they reveal things to her they never revealed to their face to face therapist. That’s quite remarkable. One of the things is, of course, the anonymity… here they work with a face to face therapist for a year or two, and never revealed certain of these things that were very shameful. (You can watch that video here.)

4) Indirectness like Freud’s couch

Text based therapy uses indirect communication, which helps people overcome normal inhibitions they could feel with a therapist. It is close to the technique developed by Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis and talk therapy. Freud conducted sessions with his patients laying down on a couch. He sat behind them and out of view. The patient spoke and Freud listened, but the patient did not look at Freud. With that posture, a patient felt that he was more free to express himself. Since he was not directly addressing someone, he had less inhibition to talking.

Text based therapy mimics Freud’s couch. You do not talk face to face with your therapist. You know that your therapist is there, but you do not see him and do not talk directly to him. It allows you to be yourself and share yourself in an easier way than you can with traditional talk therapy.

5) Accessibility to therapy

Therapy is both an art and a science. Not every licensed therapist is going to “get you.” You have your own rhythm and tune and your therapist needs to be in sync with that. If you are restricted by your location, it might be even harder to find someone to work with.

Text therapy allows you to find a therapist that you want to work with, anywhere. Since it goes through your phone or computer and is asynchronous, you do not even need to be in the same time zone.

The three major sites have slightly different ways of allowing clients to find a therapist. Lisning gives you the freedom to select your own. Each therapist fills out a detailed, accessible profile. You get to read about each therapist’s training, education, and expertise. You can sense their personality and get a feel for who you would like to work with. There is also a robust search feature where you can narrow down your search by criteria such as expertise, practice specialty, age group focus, or faith. BetterHelp works differently. After you sign up, you are asked specific questions so their team can match you with a therapist. There is also an option to manually browse the names and pictures of their therapists. Since most people are matched by BetterHelp staff, they do not have a search feature to assist with your own selection. Talkspace favors the match model alone. They ask you detailed questions and then Talkspace selects your therapist for you. All three sites allow you to switch to another therapist, even after you began working with one.

Yalom adds another angle to the accessibility provided by text therapy. Not only can you find a therapist anywhere, you can contact him whenever you want, in real time. He points out that:

A patient can have a panic attack in the middle of the night and immediately text the therapist. Now the therapist is not going to be reading that text, of course, he may not be reading it for some hours, and responding for some hours, but still, there is a sense that they can convey what they’re feeling much better than if they reveal [it] several hours later, and try to recall what’s happening to them. So that [is] another kind of intimacy that occurs, too.

6) Therapy sessions are recorded

Therapy includes a mix of experience, relationship, and psychoeducation. Often therapists share ideas, information, and techniques during a session. It can be hard to remember all of those things after the meeting. In addition, it might be difficult to notice your progress in therapy over time.

Text therapy uses private, virtual rooms. Each client has his own secure space to write to his therapist. Those conversations are password protected and saved. They are always there to be reread, referenced, or studied. You can see how far you have come by looking back at your previous conversations. You can also find an idea you wanted to contemplate more or revisit the experience.

7) Therapy for loneliness

The world can feel like a very lonely place. Loneliness can surround you, even if you have many friends and good relationships. You can navigate your day and feel like you have no person in the world that understands you. There is no one in whom you can confide in and share your deep thoughts and feelings with.

Aside from addressing mental health issues, text therapists can help alleviate that feeling of loneliness. The frequency and regularity of text therapy offers an opportunity to develop a deep and meaningful relationship with a caring person. Even if you don’t have a pressing mental health concern, you can share your vulnerable thoughts and feelings daily, knowing your therapist will reliably respond to you.

Disadvantages of text therapy

1) Significant disorders and emergencies

There are some mental health disorders that require hospitalization or medication in conjunction with therapy. Text messaging therapists do not prescribe medication. That means that if someone does need meds, he has to consult with a psychiatrist that he can meet in person or on video.

In addition, all three sites do not see their site as the sole support for someone struggling with a significant mental health disorder. For example, BetterHelp makes a strong statement on their website:

BetterHelp is not the right solution for you if any of the following is true:

  • You have thoughts of hurting yourself or others
  • You are in an urgent crisis or an emergency situation
  • You have been diagnosed with a severe mental illness, or if you have been advised to be in psychological supervision or psychiatric care

This is echoed by Lynn Bufka, PhD, associate executive director for practice research and policy at the American Psychological Association (APA). In the APA published Monitor on Psychology, she cautions that using text therapy is questionable when counseling “a patient who may seem suicidal in his or her messaging responses.” “If you’re using an online therapy platform and you ask someone if they’re suicidal and they say no, is that it?” Bufka says. “Those kinds of clinical issues come up,” she explains.

2) Office therapy includes an in person relationship

One of the beautiful things about psychotherapy in an office is that it allows an interpersonal relationship to take root, sprout, bud, and flower. There is a melodious rhythm to meeting with someone in person who is deeply interested in knowing about you. It can help the discussions that take place become profound, insightful, and exploratory.

In addition, a face to face relationship in therapy can sometimes recreate past relationships, such as with parents or significant others, and work to restore them. When your earlier relationships went sour or had something that was missing, you can sometimes develop a relationship that mimics that in therapy. You can discuss it, examine it, and sometimes repair it in the therapy room. Some clients might do best when that insight and improvement is done in person.

3) Office therapy has synchronous discussions

Conversations bring something else to the table – instant responses. When you talk to your therapist in person, she responds during the conversation. On the other hand, text therapy has a delay. Your therapist is not expected to respond right away. For Astha Sexana, a client who tried BetterHelp.com, the gap was not ideal. In her review, she describes that, “as wonderful as my therapist at Betterhelp was, it usually took anywhere from four to 10 hours to receive a response, which can be frustrating to some.” Those time lapses are to be expected across the board at all three portals. Therapists try to respond quickly, but not in a specific time frame.

4) Expressing yourself in writing

In office therapy, you can talk and share what’s on your mind. You might find it challenging to type on your computer instead of speaking. It is important to note that text therapy is really a conversation in written form and not comparable to school composition assignments. Yet, you might prefer to speak directly to a therapist instead of writing your thoughts down.

5) Body language is missing

A large part of the way we communicate is through non-verbal methods. Body language, affect, voice modulation, and eye movements all take part in communicating what we want (or do not want!) to say. In text therapy, those non-verbals are not there. There might be other cues, such as message lengths, punctuation, and sentence structure. Yet, traditional clues are missing. That bothered Astha, the client who tried BetterHelp. “Traditional face-to-face therapy definitely has some advantages over e-counseling. There is nothing like being able to sit in front of a person and interact with their body language, facial expressions, and even simply their physical human presence,” she reported.

Combining text therapy and office therapy

Some respected voices in the mental health arena suggest that a combination of text and in person therapies might be the way to go. That is how Bufka sees it. She maintains, “I think most psychologists seem to feel much more comfortable integrating technology into an ongoing face-to-face or video/teleconferencing relationship versus using only messaging.” In a similar vein, my clinical experience has demonstrated that many experienced therapists are reluctant to embrace the efficacy of text therapy alone.

Megan Jones, PsyD, adjunct clinical assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford University School of Medicine, adds another point in the APA Monitor. She sees text therapy as a great first step, “even more encouraging is that when digital interventions are positive, effective experiences for patients, they may go on to seek face-to-face therapy.” Interestingly, some portals afford clients that option. They can search for a text therapist by location. That allows you to work with your therapist through text first, then transition or supplement with office visits, too.

Bufka expresses another issue to consider. She remarks, “my concern is that some of these models are probably start-ups that are launched by people in technology, who have good intentions but haven’t fully investigated all the nuances in what’s involved in providing health services,” she says. She is partially correct. BetterHelp was started by Alon Matas, an entrepreneur who was looking to create a startup (as he discusses in an interview available here). Oren and Roni Frank, the founders of Talkspace, are entrepreneurs who founded their company after they gained from counseling for their own marriage (as reported here). They were eager to make that type of counseling accessible to others. Despite not having origins in mental health, those creators already significantly impacted the practice of psychotherapy. Lisning.com had a different start. I developed it after a decade and a half of my practicing psychotherapy as a licensed clinical social worker, relationship coach, and rabbi. Based on my experience as a therapist, I contemplated and researched ways to create the ideal text therapy platform. My goals were to bring the therapeutic relationship and insightful conversations that take place in offices to more people for less cost, and to allow therapy and coaching to become both normal and accessible for the whole population.

The bottom line about text therapy

Is text therapy for you? Many of the mental health issues that people struggle with can find significant relief through text therapy. It can be extremely helpful for difficulties including: anxiety, low moods, obsessive thoughts, loneliness, and difficulties in relationships. Text therapy also can foster a caring and genuine therapeutic relationship. On the other hand, if you think that your issue is very serious and acute, it might make the most sense to look for help in person.

Will text therapy eventually close the doors on therapist’s offices? Mental health is an important international priority. There seems to be plenty of room for both methods of therapy as the world spins toward improved mental health, positivity, and happiness.

Shmuel Maybruch, LCSW is a psychotherapist in private practice and Clinical Director of Lisning.com

5 Reasons You Shouldn’t Go For Therapy

You’re not going to believe this tech savvy update to traditional therapy!

There are many really good reasons not to go for psychotherapy. These are legitimate, true considerations that make a lot of sense. It might be best to simply stay home.

On the other hand, therapy can help you be happier, make more money, and feel less lonely. It can allow you to conquer anxiety, shake negative moods, and reach your potential.

Here are the top 5 reasons to think about staying away from psychotherapy (with some answers):

1) Therapy is expensive!

Yes. It is. Psychotherapy with a licensed, experienced therapist can easily run $300 a session. Since most therapy consists of more than one meeting, you have to multiply that cost by the number of sessions. In addition, many of the best therapists are “out of network,” which means that insurance companies don’t cover therapy or only reimburse a bit for each session.

Psychotherapists invest a tremendous amount of time, effort and energy in their education, developing their expertise, and working with their clients. They might deserve the money they charge and it is often well spent. At the same time, price can be a bar that holds many back from therapy.

The answer: Lisning.com. Lisning.com is a new website I designed that provides text message therapy the way it is supposed to be. I created and developed Lisning to give people the best therapeutic experience possible. It features expert therapists and coaches that are caring, honest, and sincere. The price barrier to entry is extremely low. Sessions with an expert start at $29 a week! You can’t beat that price. Even if you think you can’t afford that, pass on a few lattes and you’re good to go.

I am sure you will love therapy on Lisning.com. But…if you don’t, you can get a full refund. No questions asked. It’s win – win – win!

2) Therapy takes so much time

Right again. The average psychotherapy session lasts 45 – 50 minutes, once a week. There are times that one meets more frequently, and sometimes less often. It’s a commitment. Then you have to include the time it takes to get there and back. If you’re meeting your therapist week after week it takes a lot of time. If you are working, you need to find someone right near your office, or open at night or on the weekend. It’s not so easy.

Answer again? Lisning.com is text message therapy, all online. It uses a different model. Instead of meeting with a therapist at a scheduled time, you write as much as you want, as often as you want. Your therapist responds to you frequently, on a reliable schedule. You can write on your own time, read on your own time, and think on your own time. It’s like taking the 45 minutes of a session and spreading it throughout the week. Not only can you fit it into your schedule, it actually helps the therapeutic relationship develop quickly. The frequent, smaller doses of therapy are consistent and dependable. They work to help you create a deep, caring, connecting relationship. Think about it. Which would you prefer…one huge latte once a week, or several delicious ones throughout each day?

3) I can’t find a good therapist near me

It is hard. Therapy is both an art and a science. There are many therapists out there. Not every licensed therapist is going to “get you.” You have your own rhythm and tune and your therapist needs to be in sync with that. If you are restricted by your location…agghh! How can you find someone to work with? That’s why many people find therapists by referral. Even so, it can be hard to find a referral source that understands what you need. What worked for your friend or family member, or the name that your doctor or clergy person knows, might not work for you.

Here’s the answer: You guessed it…Lisning.com. When I designed Lisning, I looked around. I noticed that there are some platforms that claim to offer text message therapy. There’s a big, big problem with them. They operate like the CIA and NSA – shrouded in secrecy. You can’t choose your therapist. You merely fill out a form and they match you with someone. The best they offer is that if you’re not satisfied, they’ll pair you with a different therapist. I couldn’t believe it! It sounds like George Orwell’s book Nineteen Eighty Four, where everyone is under constant surveillance by a supreme agency known as “Big Brother.”Why can’t everyone choose their own therapist?

I understood that it worked for those companies’ business model. They want to be able to make sure all the therapists on their site have clients. So they take charge of assigning people evenly to different therapists. It might work for business – but it doesn’t work for therapy. How can they take away the power of choice? In fact, those sites are run by businessmen, trying to make a profit from the therapy. I was determined to create something very different.

On Lisning.com, each therapist fills out a detailed profile. You get to know them and see their training, education, and expertise. You can sense their personality and feel if you would like to work with them. I believe that a relationship should be based on honesty, openness, and truth. You decide…not Big Brother! Also, therapists on Lisning get paid fairly, while keeping therapy economical for clients. This is therapy the way it should be.

4) I don’t feel comfortable going for therapy

How true! How could you? Therapy often brings up discussions you don’t want to have. Some deep part of you might ache to talk about them, but often they are not pleasant or easy to bring up. When you are sitting with another person, no matter how good of a therapist they are, it can be challenging to talk about uncomfortable things. For some people, even the act of going to a therapist’s office can be shameful. As a society, we have made major leaps in normalizing therapy. It no longer is the taboo that it used to be. Still, it can be hard to bring yourself to go. Once you’re there, it can be hard to have conversations about difficult topics.

The answer: Lisning.com anonymity. Your therapist does not need to know anything about you. You send messages with complete confidentiality. You can choose an alias and not share anything about yourself you don’t want to. As the therapy progresses, you might want to tell your therapist more about yourself. You are welcome to, but you don’t have to. You discuss it on your own time, when you feel comfortable. Perhaps all therapy should be that way…your name is no different than other personal information. Share it when you want to. It is unusual for in person therapy, but it’s the way we work on Lisning.com. Share when you care.

5) I’m not sure if I need therapy or life coaching

That’s tough. For many decades, psychology focused on curing mental disease. In the US, most government spending on psychology also was in that direction. More recently, psychologists and therapists began taking techniques that focused on mental illness and using them to help people maximize themselves. This is sometimes known as positive psychology. (It was discussed in detail in the January 2000 edition of American Psychologist and introduced by this famous article, Positive Psychology: An Introduction). Life coaching is on that spectrum between psychotherapy for a disorder and to be the best you can be. It helps people find techniques and ways of accomplishing their goals.

Accordingly, you can view mental health as a continuum. Some people have a more pronounced mental health issue which encourages them to seek therapy right away. Others have the same issue, but less intensely. It still prevents them from reaching their potential, but the urge to see therapy isn’t the same. Both people can benefit from therapy or coaching.

Let’s take anxiety as an example. If anxiety severely hampers a person’s functioning, she might be pressed and seek therapy right away. If someone has low levels of anxiety, it is probably hampering her ability to achieve financial success, have a more connected relationship, and maximize her potential. She is still functioning pretty well. So well that she is convinced that she doesn’t need therapy. Yet, if she would, she could make more money, have even better relationships, and be happier. Isn’t it a crime for her not to go for therapy?

Often, whether you call it “therapy” or “coaching,” the difference in name only. Many experienced psychotherapists can intervene for a mental health disorder, practice positive psychology, or be life coaches. On Lisning.com, we call all our experts coaches. They are there to provide life coaching, help with a mental health condition, and everything in between. We use the term “coach” for all our experts because it gives them the freedom to be there for whatever you need from them.

One last thing. On those Big Brother sites, they tout the fact that they have “licensed therapists.” Did you know that no psychology, social work, or counseling license covers text message therapy? Licensure covers in-person therapy and sometimes has something to say about video therapy. Text therapy is completely not governed by licensure, in any state. Advertising that therapists are licensed for text therapy is like an airline saying all their pilots have driver’s licenses!

Lisning.com is truthful and honest. You can plainly see each coach’s education, degree and licensure. It is open and free to see. Our whole platform is based, and built, on honesty, truthfulness, and real relationships. We don’t use false marketing to pretend licensing applies where it doesn’t.

Come Aboard!

In my private practice, I favor deep, insightful discussions that explore who a person is. At first, i was resistant to the idea of message therapy. Then I thought a lot about it. I noticed that the linchpin of meaningful psychotherapeutic work is the relationship between a client and his therapist. This is often called the therapeutic alliance. I wanted to find a way to bottle the power of that therapeutic alliance and with access to therapists beyond one’s locale, at a price that was both fair for therapists and very much affordable for clients. I designed Lisning based on the integrity, sincerity and focus on relationships that I use in my in-person therapy practice. I aim to bring those principles to a wide audience, using technology, talented experts, at an affordable price. How could you resist joining?!

Come explore Lisning.com. Get to know our stellar coaches. Browse their extensive profiles. Sign up and take a giant step forward to your happiest, richest, and most fulfilling life. Your best self is waiting to meet you!

Shmuel Maybruch, LCSW is the Clinical Director of Lisning.com and a psychotherapist in private practice.

3 Myths About Pornography Use In Couples You Might Still Believe

Pornography use in committed relationships is on the rise. It has become a fixture even in relationships that appear blissful and idyllic. With the ease of technological access to porn constantly increasing, its use has become a significant issue for many couples. Whether you are are in a committed relationship or thinking about one, or you are a counselor, member of the clergy, or a therapist, here are 3 myths about pornography use among couples you need to know:

1 – If We Had More Sex, We Would Have Less Porn

This sounds like it makes sense. People can have strong sexual drives. If a couple is not having sex enough to satisfy both partners, a spouse might turn to pornography to satisfy his desires. As likely as this sounds, logic, research, and my clinical experience demonstrate that it is usually not true.

Firstly, many couples, if not most, are not able to have enough intimate moments to satisfy their desires for each other. Stresses vie for most couples’ attention. These include career related pressures, childrearing demands, domestic responsibilities, relationship issues, financial burdens, and social callings. Obligations make many couples feel overwhelmed and not able to devote enough time to each other, let alone share meaningful sexual experiences. Simply stated, many couples feel that they are not having “enough sex.” If so, almost all contemporary couples should be driven to pornography. As much of a fixture as pornography is, it isn’t universal. Clearly “not enough sex” does not necessarily lead to pornography use.

Secondly, research in the field of pornography use in committed relationships has not found a connection between sexual desire and porn use. As researchers found, “desire did not seem to discriminate between males who use and males who do not use.” Committed or married men can be comparable on the scale of sexual desire and some will use pornography, while others won’t.

This is buttressed by my professional experience. Pornography use is not usually connected to a couple’s frequency of intimate experiences. Often couples are very sexually active with each other, while one of them still resorts to pornography use privately. More sex does not mean less porn.

2 – Religious Couples Don’t Have Porn

Another common belief is that religious people, whether single or married, use pornography less, or not at all. This is patently not true. In my practice, I see individuals both in relationships and not committed that are devoutly religious and struggle with pornography use.

This is borne out by an astounding study. A group of researchers analyzed Google search terms on a state by state basis. They found a clear trend. States that are generally identified as more religious and fundamentalist had a higher prevalence of pornographic search terms on Google. Think about that: the more a state identified as religious, the greater amount of sexual terms were searched for. Another group of researchers was incredulous, so they independently replicated the same study – and found the same results.

The first researchers then found something else even more amazing. They anonymously surveyed citizens of the states that demonstrated high pornography use. Although the respondents were anonymous, most people replied that they did not use pornography. Imagine that! In the states that were clearly using porn, people did not admit it, even anonymously. It seems to indicate that religious communities see two things with regards to online pornography: increased use and decreased honesty about it.

Clearly, increased religiosity does not indicated less pornography use. It appears to sometimes indicate the opposite.

3 – Pornography Use Is a Spouse’s Private Business

It would be so nice if this were true. One spouse uses porn. The other ignores it and they have an exciting, committed, and passionate relationship.

In most situations, a spouse sees partner porn use as a form of infidelity. To most spouses, it makes little difference whether their partner is committing an affair with another person or through watching porn. A partner whose spouse watches will feel deep anger, resentment, and question their relationship. They will also experience their own self doubt, question their ability to trust their partner, and feel depressed mood. This is such a common pattern of behavior that I adopted a term for it in my practice: virtual infidelity. Although pornography use is usually online, with no relationship or connection, a spouse feels just as shunned. She questions herself, her relationship, and her spouse. Although virtual infidelity seems very different than an affair with another, the effects on one’s spouse, and one’s relationship, are very similar.

Researchers recently studied a large group of married couples for almost a decade. They examined the effects of porn use on the marriages. Not surprisingly, they found that, “the probability of divorce roughly doubled for married Americans who began pornography use.” Often, therapy for both spouses, as well as the couple as a unit, is the most effective way to assist their recovery from virtual infidelity. Therapy can be with a therapist in an office, or through a recognized, effective online platform such as Lisning.com, which hosts experts in individual therapy, couples therapy, sexuality, and therapy for porn use.

It is important for first responders, such as clergy and educators, as well as therapists, to expect strong reactions from a spouse and make room for those reactions. It is advisable for clinicians to center a large part of their work with couples recovering from a spouse’s use to addressing those spousal feelings and rebuilding the spouse’s world after the cataclysmic blow it sustained.

Pornography use among couples is the new frontier in relationship development and enhancement. Individuals, couples, responders, and therapists have to be are aware of the truths about pornography use in relationships. The more knowledge people have about pornography among couples, the greater ability they have to understand its impact.

Rabbi Shmuel Maybruch, LCSW is a psychotherapist with a practice focus  on individual and couple relationships. He is an expert on pornography use and its relational impact. He can be reached via this site, ShmuelMaybruch.com.

Freedom Has Its Price: The Upsides of Negative Thinking

Do you want to think positively? First, get in touch with what benefits you get from negative thoughts.

As spring begins to spread its warm embrace, Passover rapidly approaches. On the holiday’s majestic eve, millions around the world will sit down at the Seder and vividly discuss the nascent Jewish nation’s exodus from Egyptian bondage millennia ago. Jewish law stresses that an integral aspect of the Seder is for each participant to make the story personal. The Seder cannot be complete with a participant reclining and merely recalling a story of long ago. A fully engaging Passover experience can only be attained if you envision yourself as if you were freed that evening from brutal servitude in Egypt. Consequently, the Haggadah liturgy transforms the Exodus into a three dimensional narration that unfolds as the Seder proceeds.

As your thoughts focus on personalizing the jubilation of freedom from pitiless Egyptian oppression, you might contemplate mini-redemptions that you have experienced in your own life. In the same vein as the Exodus, you might consider the joy you have felt as you were liberated from an unpleasant employment experience to a job that fits your passion or from a souring personal relationship to a thriving and dynamic one.

One of the victories that you might not be able to yet celebrate is a freedom from the affliction of self-doubt, negative thoughts, and an internalized image of both past and future failures. In our generation of self-help books, positive psychology, and motivational blogs, it is curious that these pernicious thoughts still plague most people. Why is it that a society committed to self-growth and actualization suffers so prominently from the very scourge that it is trying so hard to obliterate?

Perhaps one reason that these undermining ideas are part of our collective and personal conscience is that we work too hard to simply eliminate them. The first step to effectively removing these biting ideas is to come to notice that self-defeating thoughts and feelings of worthlessness are painful, damaging and detrimental…and helpful. Usually, a thought that you are unable to achieve your goals or your happiness has a silver lining. That is often why your mind creates them and keeps them around. Until you become in touch with the benefits that your mind sees in self-effacing thoughts, there is a great chance that they will linger and grow, despite all efforts that you make to dissolve them.

There are many pluses that your brain might see in negative thoughts. Some might be easier to focus on, and others are more difficult. These benefits aren’t necessarily rational or logical, but your brain has taken them as evidence that negative thoughts are a way of accomplishing something positive. When you see how you mind wants to perpetuate negative thoughts because of the redemptive value they have, you can become closer to letting them evaporate.

One advantage that your mind might see in self-critical thoughts is that they prod you to be more productive. Since you are constantly barraging yourself with thoughts of worthlessness, you work harder to prove your worth to yourself and the world. As you make phenomenal efforts to escape the pain of those negative thoughts, you rise up the corporate ladder, garner societal prestige, or increase your income. Your mind notices that your adverse thoughts also have a very positive side. Since they have such benefits, it is highly unlikely that your brain will let go of those negative cognitions.

Your mind might see disapproving thoughts as bringing you another desirable goal. They might help you maintain your memory or closeness to your parents. It is likely that your parents created your internal compass of self-censure which developed into a necessary component of your thinking. The reproach your parents provided as a child might have been necessary, deserved, and important. They might have had your best interests in mind, their own welfare as a priority, or both. They might have rebuked in a way that was gentle, measured, and balanced…or perhaps not. It doesn’t necessarily matter. Criticism comes from parents. Accordingly, even though self-criticism is caustic and undermining, it provides the strong advantage of allowing your mind to connect you to your parents. That benefit is something your brain can sense, and will not allow itself to dissolve those feelings easily.

Focusing on positive thinking alone will not be as productive or sustained. The brain wants to keep the negativity around because it perceives value in that. If you think about how your brain sees positive results from negative thoughts, you can begin to try to replace the harmful cognitions with encouraging ideas that might achieve similar results.

As we approach the clear air of spring and the freedom of Passover, your mind might yearn to breathe free. A crucial step closer to that goal is to let yourself become aware of how your brain sees gain from your pain and positive from your negative. As you allow yourself to probe the complexities of what good you get from the bad, you might be able to attain goals and feel freer than you have in the past. When you sit at your Seder you might not only rejoice in the euphoria of the national and individual Egyptian exodus, but the sweetness of personal freedom from the bondage of your own mind.