Identity Theft

Will the Real Andrew Please Stand Up?

Andrew was an actuary in a reputable firm. He felt that he found his “dream job.” He was well versed in actuarial science, so his work, although taxing and challenging, was not grueling and stressful. He worked hard, but was happy with his hours. He had time to study Torah in the morning for an hour and half before he had to go to work, and he had a full night seder (scheduled period for Talmud study). He also was able to be home for supper with his family, and his firm was understanding about his Jewish practices, such as yomim tovim (Jewish holidays)including chol hamoed (the intermediate days of Passover or Sukkos where work is permitted in case of necessity) and not shaving during sefirah and the three weeks (times of communal mourning where it is customary not to shave). He was at his firm for eleven years and presumed that he would be there until he retired or decided he wanted a change.

Suddenly, Andrew received news that left him flabbergasted and speechless. Although his work was exemplary, the firm was told by its Board of Directors that it had to cut costs. His direct boss was given the arduous task of figuring out who would be asked to leave. The boss called in Andrew and told him that he had to leave. He was going to be given a generous severance package, but could not return the next day.

Andrew left the firm that day, but the firm did not leave him. He was hurt, stunned, shocked, and insulted. He mourned the injustice he experienced and the unfair calculations that led to his dismissal. Andrew began to feel depressed, anxious, and generally out of sorts. He didn’t know how to make head or tails out of his experiences and his new situation.

Andrew did not want to share the bad news of his dismissal with anyone, but he mentioned it to one friend. That afternoon, his friend showed up at his with a gift – Who Moved My Cheese. Andrew sat down to read it immediately. The more he read, the more he felt that the book spoke to him. He liked it so much that he read it twice. He felt happier, more content, and ready for action. He was so enthused that he reached out to two colleagues he knew in other firms to find out if there were any openings.

By that night, Andrew was back to his doldrums. He kept on verbalizing some of the lessons of Who Moved My Cheese. “Change happens,” he told himself. “I can adapt,” he remembered. But he began to feel worse and worse.

Andrew’s reactions are expected, and are in accordance with years of research. Psychological literature spanning a long period of time has suggested that job loss results in low self-esteem, anxiety and depression. Some researchers (Mendolia, 2014) have highlighted that the major blow suffered after job loss is not because of financial setbacks (Andrew had a great severance package), but because of the emotional and psychological hardships that losing one’s job creates. Current research (Mendolia) even highlights that job loss affects one’s spouse’s mental health. Likewise, the spousal reactions are usually not because of the financial hardships that losing a job sometimes creates. Furthermore, the latest research (Solove, Fisher & Kraiger, 2015) demonstrates that when one is able to uphold his self-esteem after job loss, it is not only easier to manage the joblessness phase, it is also easier for him to obtain another job reasonably quickly.

Andrew met with a psychotherapist to help him with his anxiety and depression and sense of loss. Together, they began to explore the meaning Andrew attached to his former job, to his losing his job, and how Andrew internalized those. As they met, Andrew began to understand that he saw the job as a large part of his identity. It was how he defined himself and how he viewed himself in the eyes of others. It also was a large part of how he saw his own religious identity, since his former job had created time for his to study and to take off for yom tov (Jewish holidays). As Andrew met more with his therapist, he understood that he saw his job as a central to who he was. He worked with his therapist to trace the foundation of how his identity developed (they discovered it predated his job at that firm) and alternate ways to see himself. As with many psychotherapeutic cases, the acute situation that caused Andrew to begin appointments with his therapist was unfortunate, but the self-awareness, self- knowledge, and self-understanding that the therapeutic interventions explored and developed was a great gift for Andrew.

Andrew took advantage of his severance to take time off and explore who he was even more. He met with his therapist twice a week and probed the depths of his identity and existence. After the six months, he began to reapply to jobs. Some were in actuarial science, and some were completely unrelated to it. Within a few weeks he found his new “dream Job,” but he realized that it was really just a job. The dream was within him.

 

References

Mendolia, S. (2014). The impact of husband’s job loss on partners’ mental health. Review of Economics of the Household12(2), 277-294.

Solove, E., Fisher, G. G., & Kraiger, K. (2015). Coping with job loss and reemployment: A two-wave study. Journal of business and psychology,30(3), 529-541.

The Density of Destiny

The Powerful Lesson of the Long Neck

We recently discussed different ways one can approach and encounter change. A method of acceptance and adaptation is outlined and illustrated in Who Moved My Cheese. An additional technique is to challenge and actively modify your situation and environment, as highlighted in I Moved Your Cheese. In the most recent post, I discussed that both attitudes might be valuable and complementary. It is integral to consider your specific life situation as you explore which of the models to internalize.

In a related vein, Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, a foremost contemporary Orthodox scholar and philosopher, addresses this broad issue in his essay entitled “Kol Dodi Dofek” – Listen – My Beloved Knocks. In that beautiful composition, those same concepts take on deep meaning in dealing with suffering and evil. Rabbi Soloveitchik contrasts two approaches to evil, fate and destiny. Rabbi Soloveitchik articulates that the suffering of righteous people has been a question which the greatest of prophets, including Moses himself, queried of G-d.

Rabbi Soloveitchik expounds that Judaism provides an approach, not an answer. The approach urges one to differentiate between man being an object or a subject. An individual who faces a hardship can sometimes see himself as an unfortunate person acted upon by the unpleasant and unsavory events of life- an object. His reaction is to see the evil as his fate, where he is helpless, shocked, pained, and crushed. When one sees negative events as suffering that he is to endure passively, the result can be tremendous mental anguish, which may result in unanswerable theological or philosophical questions, anger, anxiety, or depression.

On the other hand, Rabbi Soloveitchik continues, Judaism advocates a different approach to evil, one which is silently heroic. A man might not be able to alter his situation. Yet, within the confines of his circumstance, he can aim to understand, plan, and regulate his actions and reactions, and perform within his situational boundaries, becoming an active subject. He can master his own behavior, calculate his behavioral responses, and analyze what the situation demands of him, transforming pathetic fate into majestic destiny.

The primary intent of Rabbi Soloveitchik’s philosophy is to explain that Judaism often mandates specific behaviors in response to emotionally difficult experiences. In his view, a Jewish man of destiny does not seek to modify a situation that he cannot, but examines what behavior the Jewish faith demands of him at the time. On occasion it can be introspection so that he improves his behavior, the recitation of the required brachah (blessing) on negative tidings, or observance of rites of mourning. One can rise to majesty by remaining steadfast in his religious beliefs and actions, and creating his own spiritual destiny within a physically immutable situation.

This approach can be broadened outside the realm of halachically (Jewish legally) demanded actions to explain a general response that one can espouse when he is faced with a struggle such as insufficient finances, poor educational opportunities, or difficulties in relationships. If the situation is incontrovertible, he must maneuver within its margins to accept it, deal with it, and create a best case scenario. In other circumstances, his most appropriate effort might be to challenge his circumstances and attempt to change them.

Sometimes, a man’s persistence and optimism demonstrate both his acceptance of change and his defiance of its supposed limitations. Consider this majestic manifestation of destiny, discussed by Dr.Viktor Frankl in a postscript to Man’s Search for Meaning (Postscript 1984 – The Case for a Tragic Optimism):

Jerry Long, to cite an example, is a living testimony to “the defiant power of the human spirit,” as it is called in logotherapy. To quote the Texarkana Gazette, “Jerry Long has been paralyzed from his neck down since a diving accident which rendered him a quadriplegic three years ago. He was seventeen when the accident occurred. Today Long can use his mouth stick to type. He ‘attends’ two courses at Community College via a special telephone. The intercom allows Long to both hear and participate in class discussions. He also occupies his time by reading, watching television and writing.” And in a letter I received from him, he writes: “I view my life as being abundant with meaning and purpose. The attitude that I adopted on that fateful day has become my personal credo for life: I broke my neck, it didn’t break me (note the play on words making a potential object into a subject –SM). I am currently enrolled in my first psychology course in college. I believe that my handicap will only enhance my ability to help others…”

If [suffering] is avoidable, the meaningful thing to do is to remove its cause. For unnecessary suffering is masochistic rather than heroic. If, on the other hand, one cannot change a situation that causes his suffering, he can still choose his attitude. Long had not chosen to break his neck, but he did decide not to let himself be broken by what had happened to him (again the object – subject change – SM).

After reading Frankl’s book and contacting Frankl, Long became a friend and then a colleague, of Frankl. You can see Dr. Jerry Long, Jr. and Dr. Viktor Frankl discussing some of their experiences together in this moving video. Long accepted that his cheese was moved, yet might be considered to have broken free of the maze that the cheese was in altogether, transforming what some might have seen as a confining, miserable fate into a heroic, magnificent, destiny.

Don’t Be So Amazed!

Aharon doesn’t like spare change

Not So Moving

In a recent post, we met Aharon and Shabsi. They are chavrusos (study partners) in Yeshivas Torah Lishmah. Their rebbi (rabbinic teacher) had to take an extended absence in the middle of the z’man (semester). Aharon and Shabsi and their entire shiur (class) moved to a different shiur. Aharon and Shabsi both resented the move and their learning and moods suffered. Then Shabsi changed his mindset by reading Who Moved My Cheese, a book that suggests that change is inevitable in life and it should be embraced and dealt with, instead of denied and resisted.

Aharon thought long and hard about Shabsi’s new approach. Although he saw that the lessons of Who Moved My Cheese resonated with Shabsi, it was still hard for him to swallow. Something about accepting change and adapting to it did not sit well with him. He could not elucidate what was bothering him, but he felt an uncertainty within.

The Antithesis

After a few days of thinking about what was concerning him, Shabsi was in the waiting room of his doctor’s office and spied a book with an interesting title. It sounded similar to the book Shabsi had told him about. He inspected it more carefully and saw that this book was called I Moved Your Cheese. He was curious and became even more intrigued when he saw the subtitle – For Those Who Refuse to Live as Mice in Someone Else’s Maze. The author was Deepak Malhotra, a professor at Harvard Business School. Shabsi picked up the book and started reading it. As he read the pages, he noticed that the points of the book resonated with him deeply. Professor Malhotra lucidly stated why Who Moved My Cheese had been hard for Shabsi to swallow. Dr. Malhotra explained that he wrote the book because he had noticed that there were many people that internalized a wrong message from Who Moved My Cheese. They understood that life requires a person to accept change and to adapt to it. Malhotra added that

a key to happiness in life is for a person to have a two part response to change. It is necessary for him to muster internal strength to ask why a change happened and then to ask how he can now conduct his life to master the change –  and his destiny.

These two steps allow him to face change actively instead of being a passive recipient.

Deepak Malhotra used another parable to illustrate his point. He described a mouse named Max who lives in a maze where all the other mice indoctrinated the lesson of not questioning change and accepting it. Max was different. He resolved to figure out who did move the cheese, why they did it, and why the maze was the way it was. Max set out on a journey which took him years and included exiting the confines of the maze. Eventually, Max realized that the maze was a tiny part of a huge research lab where experimenters frequently moved the cheese to measure the reactions of the mice in the maze. Next, Max figured out a way that he could also move the cheese like the experimenters. Max explained that he was then able to redesign the maze and control the other mice by moving their cheese. The next time he heard a mouse exclaim, “Who moved my cheese,” he was going to plainly declare, “I moved your cheese.” Max was able to control the daily activities of his compatriots. But, Max continued, if a single mouse decided that he was going to focus on another goal than cheese or that he was going to leave the maze, Max would have no control over him.

Max’s powerful discovery highlighted the fact that sometimes, people are resistant to change because they feel like prisoners in their life situation. Max would argue that often, the best way to deal with change is to realize that one has the power to change his own circumstances altogether. One might focus on a different goal, or leave the organization or situation that constrains him. Dr. Malhotra’s powerful point is that sometimes it is dangerous to see change as inevitable. Often, it is merely a hurdle that one can muster the internal fortitude to sail over and to succeed.

Shabsi’s Move

I Moved Your Cheese resonated deeply with Shabsi. Although he understood that his chavrusa (study parter) Aharon, was able to adapt to his new shiur, Shabsi felt differently. He reasoned that if he appreciated the specific Talmudic approach of his rebbi, Rav Shlomo Eichenstadt, it might be better for him to find a different arrangement than to adapt to the new learning environment of Rav Leibel Grossbard.

Shabsi began an inquiry among the students of Rav Shlomo that were now in Rav Leibel’s shiur. Nine of them echoed Shabsi’s feelings that it was difficult for them to appreciate the scholastic approach of Rav Leibel. Shabsi asked if they would consider creating their own chaburah (study group). The students were very excited about the idea. First, they approached R’ Elimelch Cohen, a respected man studying in kollel (an advanced Talmud study program), who was one of the foremost students of Rav Shlomo Eichenstadt, and asked him if he would consider being their rosh chaburah (informal study group head) for the month. R’ Elimelech gladly accepted. Next, Shabsi met with Rav Leibel and respectfully explained their situation. Rav Leibel understood that they were only learning in his shiur temporarily and were looking forward to returning to the shiur of Rav  Shlomo. Rav Leibel encouraged them to pursue creating their own chaburah (study group) with R’ Elimelech.

By the end of the week, there were ten students studying in the new chaburah (group) with R’ Elimelech. The energy and excitement was palpable and the hasmadah (intensity of study) was reaching new heights. A few days later, at lunch, one of the talmidim in Yeshiva asked the other about the new group,

“Who moved the chevra (group of students) to the new chaburah (study group)?” Shabsi smiled to himself and thought “I moved the chevra!”

What Moves You?

Which approach to change to do you feel more comfortable with, the ideal of adapting to change, espoused by Aharon, from Who Moved My Cheese, or overcoming change, as accomplished by Shabsi, from I Moved Your Cheese? Perhaps neither works for you, or maybe you feel that both are necessary. What are your thoughts?

 

Can You Spare Some Change?

Aharon and Shabsi were flourishing in Yeshiva until…

The Announcement

Aharon and Shabsi were two yeshiva students who studied together in Yeshiva Torah Lishmah. They were both extremely successful in their learning. The hours of the seder (study period) seemed to pass rapidly as they probed the depth of the Gemara, Rashi and Tosafos (Talmud and central commentaries) then moved to the other Rishonim (medieval commentaries) and, if there was time, to some of the Acharonim (later commentaries). When they got to shiur (class), their comprehension was excellent, they retained what their rebbi (teacher), Rav Shlomo Eichenstadt said, and they used some of the concepts he presented to enrich the next day’s studying.

Toward the middle of the long winter z’man (semester), Rav Shlomo made an announcement. He told the students that, unfortunately, he had to schedule emergency back surgery. The surgery was going to take place in two weeks, but he had to stop giving shiur in exactly a week so that he could make the necessary preparations, including going for tests before the surgery. His eyes teared as he made the announcement, because he felt pained at leaving his beloved students. He added that the recuperation was scheduled to take at least a month. During that time, he suggested that the students move to a parallel shiur, given by Rav Leibel Grossbard. The students were visibly concerned for their rebbi and expressed that to Rav Shlomo. He thanked them for their concern and assured them that, with G-d’s help, everything would be alright.

That day after the shiur, during lunch, the dining room was abuzz. Students were upset that their rebbi was leaving, and were unsure what to expect when they moved to Rav Leibel Grossbard. The students in Rav Shlomo’s shiur came to a consensus that they would all move together to Rav Leibel’s class.

The Move

A week later, after a sorrowful parting, all Rav Shlomo’s students moved to Rav Leibel’s shiur. Both the students and Rav Leibel made an extra effort to be welcoming and considerate of Rav Shlomo’s students and they began to learn as once large chaburah (group). Within a week, Aharon and Shabsi noticed that they did not understand Rav Leibel’s shiur as well. He had a different style of learning than Rav Shlomo and he focused on different nuances in the Talmud and commentaries. Aharon and Shabsi noticed that their difficulties in shiur affected their studying during seder, as well. Both of them observed a decreased drive in their learning the entire morning. Seder seemed longer than ever. They also noticed that their comprehension was decreasing. They did not have the same havanah (comprehension) as they had before and they barely got through the Gemara, Rashi, and Tosafos during seder. To make matters worse, as their learning deteriorated, Aharon and Shabsi started becoming less enthusiastic and a little down, in general. They saw that they didn’t come as on time for shacharis (morning prayers) and they were not as punctual as they usually were for any seder during the day.

Aharon’s Change

Aharon went home for Shabbos and his mother suggested he read a short book called Who Moved My Cheese, by Spencer Johnson, MD. I was a quick read and it made Aharon feel much better. He came back to Yeshiva reinvigorated. His learning got back on track and he began to feel his excitement return. He even became better at understanding Rav Leibel’s shiur and became more and more successful.

Shabsi, who was still in his rut, noticed the change that his chavrusa (study partner) underwent. He asked Aharon what had happened and he told Shabsi about the book he had read. Shabsi gave Aharon a brief summary.

A Bit Cheesy

He explained that the book is a parable which explains different reactions that people have to change.  There are four characters in the book, Sniff, Scurry, Hem, and Haw. Sniff and Scurry are mice, and Hem and Haw are little people. They all live in a maze and are nourished by a generous amount of cheese in Cheese Station C. They return to the cheese station as often as they like and eat until they are satiated. One day, the characters arrive at Cheese Station C and notice that the cheese is gone. Immediately, Sniff and Scurry, unanalytical mice, go through the maze to find an alternate source of cheese. Hem and Haw, who are thinking individuals, are amazed at the injustice they just experienced. They cannot believe that the cheese, the standard they always relied on, was moved. They commiserate in the unfairness and mourn their unfortunate situation. Hem sadly exclaims, “Who Moved My Cheese?” They both bemoan the fact that things are no longer the same. After a while, Hem and Haw discuss trying to find alternate sources of cheese. But they conclude that is too risky to venture to other parts of the maze. In addition, there is no guarantee that they will succeed anywhere else either. They return to Cheese Station C day after day, hoping that the golden days of plentiful cheese will return. They still bemoan how unfair it was that someone moved their cheese, and get hungrier and hungrier. One day, Hem decides that he has no choice but to venture away from Cheese Station C. He gingerly takes a few steps at a time into uncharted territory. After searching for a while, Hem finds other cheese stations, but sees that they, likewise, have no cheese. Yet, the fact that other cheese stations exist gives Hem renewed confidence that it is only a matter of time until he finds more cheese. After a while, Hem finds Cheese Station N, which has even more plentiful amounts of cheese. He is elated and looks back at the road he traversed. He notices that he learned several important lessons, which he writes on the wall of Cheese Station N. These include:

Change Happens: They Keep Moving the Cheese

Adapt To Change Quickly: The Quicker You Let Go Of Old Cheese, the Sooner You Can Enjoy New Cheese

Change: Move With the Cheese

Enjoy Change!: Savor the Adventure And Enjoy the Taste Of New Cheese!

Shabsi explained that the book helped him realize that many people are resistant to change. They analyze it and conclude that it is unfair and that they don’t like it. This causes them to be resistant to the inevitable change and holds them back from succeeding in life. Shabsi continued that he realized that the change from Rav Shlomo’s shiur to Rav Leibel’s shiur was like his cheese. He was upset he had to move and reluctant to accept the new circumstances. His adherence to the way things were inhibited him from embracing his new situation. With this insight, he decided that he could adapt to Rav Leibel’s shiur. Even though the rebbi’s style in learning and explanation were different than what he was used to, he tried to appreciate Rav Leibel’s shiur for its own benefits and began to enjoy it and grow from it. His new insight infused him with more energy and he noticed himself succeeding more throughout his day.

Life Changes

Like Shabsi, many people report that they have gained from Who Moved My Cheese. Tens of millions of copies of the book have been sold, and it has spent years on the New York Times bestseller list. The New York Times acclaimed it as “brilliant in its simplicity” and Time Magazine called it “The bestselling business book of all time.” It was lucidly summarized and made into an animated video, which is publicly available on Youtube.

The book’s demand demonstrates that the predicament faced by Hem and Haw are shared by so many. Changing shiurim is one of the many examples of change people undergo. Sometimes the changes are in the social situation of a yeshiva or seminary, such as changing rooms or moving locations. Other times the changes include moving from singlehood to marriage, from kollel (full-time, advanced Talmud study) to the workforce, or from couplehood to parenthood. We all face changes in our lives and often tend to hem and haw about them. It seems that the more quickly we embrace those change, the better life can be.

Not So Simple

Aharon appreciated Shabsi’s explanation and insight and left their conversation deep in though. He understood Shabsi’s points and thought about integrating them into his own life. What do you think about the book’s point? Does it strike a chord within you? There might be reason to say it should – like it did for millions of others. At the same time, the solution might not be as simple as it sounds. There are other perspectives to use to understand the students’ reactions to their situation. Those approaches could take into account other factors, including Aharon and Shabsi’s families, prior experiences –  in general and in yeshiva – and how they view themselves.

Let’s visit Aharon in a post next week to hear some of his reactions to Who Moved My Cheese. We will also explore the students’ experiences further. Meanwhile, are you going to keep the change?

The Sun Will Come Out Today

Stifling emotions is causing trouble for Shayna and Yisrael

Stifling Emotions in Judaism

 Shayna and Yisrael’s Predicament

Shayna and Yisrael have been married for several years. They live in Woodlake, New Jersey, where Yisrael studies in Kollel (an advanced Talmud study program) and Shayna is an office manager. Their marriage seems happy, stable, and fulfilling, with one significant presenting issue. When people say hurtful things to Yisrael, he absorbs their comments and doesn’t respond. He puts up a stiff upper lip, then smiles and continues with his day.

Shayna is concerned about Yisrael’s lack of emotion. She believes that it is “fake” or “unnatural.” Furthermore, Shayna notices that for a few hours after the insulting comment, Yisrael seems like he is more on edge. Even though he is smiling and looks cheerful, he is often more irritable and easily disturbed. She thinks that his emotions seem to be still pent up inside him. Shayna explains that two points put a strain on their own relationship. Firstly, she feels like Yisrael is not being honest emotionally and not being candid with her. Secondly, he often is harder to relate to after someone says something negative to him.

Yisrael explains that he is trying consciously not to react to critical or negative statements. He elaborated that he formerly learned in a well-known, established, pedigree yeshiva in Israel. During his years there he absorbed an approach that emotions should be subdued and not readily expressed. The yeshiva’s modus operandi was to be halachic and to examine all situations solely from a legalistic standpoint. Yisrael was now trying to adapt the worldview of stoicism. Although he is not “there yet,” he is aspiring to integrate that perspective into his own life. Yisrael explained that, theoretically, if he could sue his insulter in a beis din (court) for defamation or slander, he might do so. But absent any direct halachic/ legalistic response, he remains silent and squelches any response on an emotional level.

 The Perspective of the Sefer HaChinuch

The hashkafa (religious perspective) of emotions and their expression is a complex and ancient one in Judaism. There is no unilateral, all-encompassing answer and there are different approaches taken by different leaders and parts of Klal Yisrael (the Jewish people), both historically and currently. At the same time, it is valuable to examine the words of the Sefer HaChinuch (The “Book of Education” – 13th Century Spain) regarding the prohibition of Onaas Devarim – verbal mistreatment of another person. The Torah prohibits one from saying anything that causes distress to another. This includes name calling, insulting, or reminding someone of her unsavory past. What if someone violates Onaas Devarim? What should be the reaction of the offended party? The Sefer HaChinuch (338) elaborates that a response is both appropriate and not included in the prohibition of verbally distressing someone. He explains:

According to what it seems, it can’t be possible that if one came and began to be wicked to pain his fellow with his bad words, that the listener should not answer him. For it is not possible for a man to be like a stone that cannot be overturned, and what’s more, that he will be in his silence like one who admits to the insults. And in truth, the Torah did not command for a man to be a stone, silent to those who insult him like to those that bless him…it is proper for a wise person that he will reply to him in a roundabout and pleasant way, and not become exceedingly angry, because “Anger rests in the heart of fools (Koheles/ Ecclesiastes 7:9)”.

The Sefer HaChinuch adapts an approach of reality. He acknowledges that it is typical to be insulted at another person’s hurtful or spiteful comments. If it were ideal for one to simply ignore another person’s negative comments, the Sefer HaChinuch would have penned a different approach. Perhaps he would have advised the insulted to toughen up, trust in G-d, and ignore the meaningless comments someone else uttered. Rather, the Sefer HaChinuch recognizes that emotions are part of the human condition. It is natural to react to another person’s statements. The Sefer HaChinuch even considers anger a valid reaction to insult – as long as one does not become “exceedingly angry.” The valiance of man is not to ignore but to try to temper his reaction and to not explode.

What About the Sun?

The Sefer HaChinuch adds a caveat. He concludes that those who are consummately in love with G-d strive not to reply to those that insult them:

Yet – there is a group of people for whom their righteousness rises so much that they do not want to bring themselves into this leniency to reply something to those who insult them – perhaps anger will overpower them and they will become involved in the matter more than is enough, and about them they of blessed memory have said: those who are insulted but do not insult back, who hear their shame and do not reply, about them the verse says: “And those who love Him are like the sun emerging in its strength (Shoftim/ Judges 5:31).”

The Sefer HaChinuch says that those who love G-d and are exceedingly righteous do not respond directly to their detractors so that they will not respond too strongly. At the same time, the Sefer HaChinuch acknowledges that even the most righteous can feel hurt by the words of man. It is important for them to be emotionally honest with themselves and to acknowledge the feeling. Sometimes, it might be beneficial for them to discuss them with someone else, too. Emotions are often very authentic expressions of who we are as humans.

The imagery of the strength of the sun beginning to shine that Chazal (our Sages) use is beautiful and precise. Since people are expected to respond emotionally to insults, it takes extraordinary internal strength not to respond directly. It is important not to confuse that with stifling one’s emotion altogether.

Implications for Yisrael

The presenting issue that Shayna and Yisrael had can be indicative of his upbringing, past experiences, and their relationship. One area for Yisrael to explore might be his approach to emotions and their expression. It is possible that he feels more comfortable stifling his emotions because of pain he has experienced in the past that he would rather not allow to come to the surface. Alternatively, it might be that his upbringing, in addition to his Yeshiva, demonstrated or valued shrouding or inhibiting emotion. The issue is ripe for discussion and might be helpful in exploring more about who Shayna is, who Yisrael is, and underlying strengths and challenges in their relationship.