There is something unique about you that I can sense, but not describe. It is what makes you, you. It can be hard for you to feel it. Despite its elusiveness, it is important that you know it is there. Each of us has something that makes us special and distinctive.
You might try to discover this feeling that I am outlining. It can be tempting to describe yourself by your roles, positions, or duties. Yet, those are not descriptions of you. They are just things you do.
You might be enticed to look deeper, at your specific talents, as a way of describing who you are. This can be very alluring. It can seem to make sense to view your distinctive abilities as expressions of yourself. But even those fall short of describing you. Your strengths do not define you.
Think about this: you probably discovered some of your roles or talents through opportunities or circumstances. What if you had experienced different situations in your life? You might have discovered latent talents, or never known the ones you do know now. It is hard to say that your talents, actions, or behaviors define you.
Moreover, your positions and abilities will change over time. If you define yourself by your roles or talents, your identity might constantly change. However, if you understand that your actions – including your biggest successes – do not define you, it can be easier for you to move between roles or to discover new talents as needed.
What is that intangible something that makes you, you? Perhaps you can think of it as a sense you carry around, regardless of where you are. It might include your personality, but it is not limited by it. It can embrace your talents, but it is not defined by them. It is the sense that you are – you.
Not everyone will like this sense. Some will be drawn to it, others indifferent, and some repelled. The most important thing is that you appreciate the real you, even if you can’t fully define it.
The ultimate goal of psychotherapy is to help people develop that sense of who they are. So, a core principle of psychotherapy is the therapist’s unconditional positive regard. As someone explores different aspects of his personality, he might face parts of himself that he sees as negative. He could consider hiding them from his therapist, and even from himself. Yet, discovering the fullness of the personality requires allowing all parts to emerge, including the ones someone might frown upon. If the therapist looks askance on any part, it can stifle one’s personality from fully unfolding.
The key that allows someone to explore who he is in psychotherapy is the relationship between therapist and patient. This is the cornerstone of psychotherapy. This connection is not a byproduct of the work or simply a necessary aspect—it is the essence of psychotherapy.
Interestingly, one can sometimes sense his uniqueness through conversations. This happens when talking with a person to whom he feels connected. Therefore, a meaningful psychotherapy experience requires a mutual connection that allows the power of the human relationship to emerge. It can enable one’s personality to materialize. The relationship is not just the vehicle for therapy; it is the most important part.
Our personal identities extend far beyond the roles and talents we often use to define ourselves. Recognizing the intangible essence that makes each of us unique helps us navigate life’s challenges with greater ease and authenticity. This understanding is crucial for personal growth and effective psychotherapy, where a true connection can foster deep self-discovery.
As you strive to embrace your full identities, ask yourself a question. Do you truly see the person within, or are you confined by the roles you play?
Rabbi Shmuel Maybruch's Blog 